I Get It… February 9, 2010

Every now and then I get overwhelmed with the reality of our life and just what the girls came from. I had one of those random moments this weekend. Angel had a friend spend the night Friday night. After a fun filled night at Chuck E Cheeses we headed home for pj’s and according to Matt nonstop giggling.

There were so many things that reminded me of my childhood. When I was Angel’s age I remember my best friend, Jenny, and I coming up with a plan to ask our parents if we could spend the night at one house or the other. We pretty much flip flopped every weekend. Then there was the actual waiting for the perfect moment to pop the question and the butterflies as we waited for the answer. The answer was usually yes so I’m not really sure why it was such a big deal to us and why we were so excited when we got the go ahead. I watched the same scenario play out Friday night… it was fun being on the parent side.

Then there was the actual sleepover. Pizza, pj’s and more fun than they could imagine. At one point they were set up at the kitchen table with scrapbook supplies making pages with pictures they had taken at Chuck E Cheeses. I just listened. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks… Angel never had a friend spend the night until she came to live with us. That thought led to thoughts about what and where they came from and I was grateful that God saw fit for them to become a part of our family, but sad that they had to leave their other family. I wonder if they realize things like this or if it’s just me…

I’m becoming more and more convinced as the days go by that we’re not normal… whatever that is. Seeing her experience the same “normal” things I did when I was a child are special moments where we get each other. I’ve been there, I can relate. There are a multitude of things that I can’t begin to know how she feels, but these small ones… I totally get it.

Little Lady… February 3, 2010

I know it’s so cliché, but kids really do grow up way too fast. It seems like just yesterday my baby was a baby… or an 8 year old. So I might be being a little dramatic, but in the last year and a half I have watched this little, clumsy girl become an almost as tall as me and still clumsy young lady. She’s done some huge growing physically, but the leap she’s made spiritually is even more jaw dropping.

The other day she was sitting in her room listening to a Mercy Me cd and singing as loud as she could. I popped in to see exactly what she was up to. She was writing a prayer. I asked her if I could read it and she said sure. She wrote things like, “You are the most high and holy God… You are my everything… Jesus is the only way to you, not Mrs. Jess, not Ainsley, only Jesus.” There was much more to this full-page prayer, but if she lives by those things she will change the world around her.

Last night she sat in Bible study with the ladies and listened closely. That little girl is surrounded by people who love Jesus and want to help her get to know Him. I am blessed beyond belief. I think I might love her more today than I did yesterday…

 

I Don’t Know Those Girls… February 1, 2010

Low self-esteem, defiant, ADHD, intellectually challenged, clingy, violent, argumentative… These are just a few words that have been used to describe my girls. I got a copy of the girls complete record Friday. From beginning to now, the history behind the removal, evaluations on the physical, emotional and mental states of both girls and both parents. It was a window into the situation that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to look through. I’m so glad I did.

While it was heartbreaking to read what these precious little girls have been through, I couldn’t help but praise their Heavenly Father for what He’s done in them. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read that Christal was violent, often getting in fist fights both at school and in the foster home. She is one of the most kind, gentle little people I know. She loves to help others and take care of people and animals. I have never seen her angry to the point of violence. I was floored that they were in the process of testing my straight A student to see if she needed to be in special ed. They were fairly certain that her behavior stemmed from ADHD. She has no symptoms of that now. God has transformed and started healing that sweet girl’s heart.

Some of Angel’s diagnoses were just as shocking. Both girls struggled with low self-esteem, Angel especially. We try not to teach them to have a high self-esteem, but to love the things that the God of the Universe picked just for them as He knit them together. In one of her evaluations when asked to name 3 things about herself that she liked Angel couldn’t come up with one. I asked her the other day and she had plenty to tell me. “I have alot of friends, a family that loves me, I’m kind and sweet,” were just a few things she named. I wasn’t sure if I was more proud of the fact that she could name some things or that the things she did name had nothing to do with her outward appearance. She is a beautiful girl on the outside, but the beauty of her heart far outshines anything on the outside. Angel suffered alot from separation anxiety. Now she’s fine. She knows Matt & I aren’t going anywhere and neither is she. She goes places without us and loves every minute of it. All I can say is praise God!

One day when they’re older I plan on giving them their history. I hope that they will be able to rejoice at what God has done in them. I can’t wait to hear their testimonies. He knew all of it. He knew where they would come from and He knows where they’re going. I am constantly humbled and honored that He chose Matt and I to be a part of their very special journey. My prayer is that God would find us faithful in the responsibility He’s given us. They are precious gifts that have forever stolen my heart…

Weakness Is Beautiful… January 12, 2010

In an attempt to “shepherd a child’s heart” I have been trying to approach things differently. Instead of immediately correcting the unapproved behavior, I’ve tried to trace it back to the real issue of the heart. This is extremely harder than I ever thought it would be. I can barely do this in my own life. And even then I get it wrong quite a bit of the time. For the last week I’ve just ended up frustrated and tend to just blow up… I know it’s hard to imagine me overreacting (kidding).

Sunday night I had a bit of an epiphany. The sermon was about the beauty of being weak. The fact is we are weak, so realizing, admitting and letting God be strong in our weakness is beautiful. Loved it. I’m all about admitting my weakness. Then Lee mentioned a personal experience and it resonated with me. He talked about not asking God how He wants things done and relying on his knowledge of the Bible, training, etc. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I rely on my own knowledge whether it be from the Bible or any other book. Please do not hear me  say that knowledge from the Bible is bad. I believe it is the inspired Word of God and is true, accurate and life changing. But, often times I neglect asking God what it is He has in mind for me, whether it be me trying to find the root of sin in my life or helping the girls do the same in theirs. If I’m not seeking the guidance of the Holy Spirit I’m simply using the Bible as another good resource. I think God desires so much more.

I have gained a lot of knowledge from books and other people. Now I have to take all of that to the Lord and ask what He wants me to do with it. The little nuggets of wisdom I’ve picked up are great, but maybe God wants to do things a little differently. Afterall that would be par for the course He’s put me on…

Won’t You Be My Neighbor… January 6, 2010

I mentioned the book, Shepherding A Child’s Heart, a couple of weeks ago. I had the opportunity to read quite a bit of it while we were at Grandma’s. The basic concept of the book is changing our goals as parents from wanting our children to be successful in life by having good jobs, spouses, houses, etc. to being successful at loving & knowing God and bringing Him glory. We do that by teaching our children to love and glorify God. Sounds simple enough right? So here’s the deal… Deuteronomy 6 (from The Message) says:

“Write these commandments that I’ve given you today on your hearts. Get them inside of you and then get them inside your children. Talk about them wherever you are, sitting at home or walking in the street; talk about them from the time you get up in the morning to when you fall into bed at night. Tie them on your hands and foreheads as a reminder; inscribe them on the doorposts of your homes and on your city gates.”

 I really like the way The Message words, “get them inside of you and then get them inside your children.” I really like the idea of teach Angel & Christal Scripture and telling them how it applies to their lives. The key is I have to get them inside of me AND THEN get them inside my children. Over the last couple of weeks I have been convicted of not always practicing what I preach. The cool thing about the Lord is He’s sovereign and I can’t mess this up anymore than what He can fix. So for right now the girls and I are concentrating on loving the Lord with our all and loving our neighbor as ourselves. Loving the Lord has proven to be easy so far, after all He’s so good. Now loving our neighbor as ourselves seems to be way more difficult. We’re all learning together and I’m excited that the girls will get a front seat to see God transform me in the way that I treat others and vice versa. I’ll let you know how it goes…

Here’s another picture from our trip. This was the day we went sledding…

Over The River & Through The Woods… January 5, 2010

This was our second Christmas with the girls. It was funny to hear the girls talk about what we do every Christmas… we have traditions! One of the things that was a first for us was going to visit my family in Maryland. I was born there, but that’s about it for me. I’m a southern girl to the core. My grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins from both sides live there so it’s alway fun. This time was special though… my family got to meet my kids.

For months Matt and I have been explaining who they will meet and relating them to their biological family (they were very close to them). Needless to say they were extremely excited to meet everyone. Of course they were spoiled rotten.

Angel started writing down all the things she had done. Here’s a bit of  what she wrote:

I’ve been to Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia and Maryland. Maryland is the main place because that’s where my great grandma and grandpa live. It was snowing when we got here. We went to church at Eckhart Baptist Church. It was the same name as my mom’s mom’s last name. Me and Christal thought that was cool. We played in the snow with Dad, and Mom came and played too. It was fun…

She has never referred to us as Mom and Dad. She’ll say my mom, Mrs. Jess or my dad, Mr. Matt, but never just Mom & Dad. She also talked about her great grandparents. For the first time she expressed ownership of our family. We’re her family and she’s ours. It was just another little realization of what has taken place in our lives. It’s a beautiful picture of our kinship with the Lord. We are His children, but we don’t always take ownership of it. The Bible is full of verses explaining who we are in relation to Christ I hope I express my excitement about the family I’m a part of.

SIDENOTE: Anyone have any idea how to explain the infidelity of mommy kissing Santa Claus to an 8 year old? She was appalled and wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be kissing another man.

It’s the Wellspring of Life… December 22, 2009

I’ve started reading Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp. All I can say is YIKES! Boy have I gone about things the wrong way. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done the best I could with the knowledge I had. Well, now I have some new knowledge and it’s challenging to say the least. Here’s a little bit of what I’m trying to grasp…

“The Scripture teaches that the heart is the control center for life…What your children say and do is a reflection of what is in their hearts… If you are to really help him, you must be concerned with the attitudes of heart that drive his behavior.

A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it’s condemnable. Is it not the hypocrisy that Jesus condemned in the Pharisees? In Matthew 15, Jesus denounces the Pharisees who have honored him with their lips while their hearts were far from him. Jesus censures them as people who wash the outside of the cup while the inside is still unclean. Yet this is what we often do in child rearing. We demand changed behavior and never address the heart that drives the behavior.” (pages  3-4)

It makes perfect sense and I agree totally, but it sure is hard to not beat myself up for the behavior modifications that I have demanded without addressing the heart.  Honestly, I believe that we can start shepherding the girls’ hearts now. I love our sovereign God. I can’t mess things up so bad that He can’t swoop in and fix them. Me caring for their heart condition can never be too late. So here goes nothing… I am going to attempt to focus on the heart… afterall, it is the wellspring of life.

All The Good Stuff About Him… December 15, 2009

Last night Angel and I were cooking dinner. We were just chatting about random things and she mentioned AGAIN that she really wanted a skateboard for Christmas. About every two days she and her sister mention it. I asked her if she spent as much time talking about the gift of Jesus as she does about wanting a skateboard. I thought I had her…

“Actually Mrs. Jess, I’ve been talking to Makenzie about Jesus.”

“Oh, really. And what have you been telling her?”

“You know all the good stuff about Him.”

“Like what?”

“Like that He’s why we have Christmas and He died on the cross for our sins and how we shouldn’t sin because He loves us so much. And I’m teaching her some God songs. I think she believes in Jesus a little bit more now. Maybe she can come to church or community group one day.”

I was speechless. I stood there, stirred the taco meat and  did my best to not totally start squalling. That sweet girl wants her friends to know her Jesus so she tells them about Him. She’s not scared, politically correct or even timid about her relationship with God. Not only is she loving people and building a relationship, but she’s telling them about the hope found in Jesus.

I like to use my actions to tell people about our great God and I don’t use my mouth enough. There is a beautiful balance and my sweet Angel has seemed to have found it. I couldn’t be more humbled and proud that God let’s me be her mom.

Mustard Greens, No Thanks… December 10, 2009

As long as I can remember when I was in school Thursdays were fried chicken, dirty rice & extra roll days. So you can imagine why I had my hopes up that that is still the case. Well, it’s not. I got to go eat lunch with Angel at school today. I was pretty sad when they filled my plate with white beans and tried to fill it with mustard greens. I wonder if schools up north eat white & red beans for lunch…

When I got there Angel was more than excited to see me. She introduced me to her friends and apparently they were talking about Matt & I before I walked up. After the introductions Angel whispered in my ear, “can I say Mr. Matt is my dad?” I told her of course and with a giggle she said, “good, that’s what I’ve been doing.”

I always wonder what the girls’ friends must think about their situation and how they explain it to them. I’m sure I think about it way more than their friends do. Funny how kids don’t really care what your situation is. They really just want to know if you’re going to pass notes and be able go out and play. I really do love being in their environment and watching them have ownership and pride in the things they do in school. It was just another day of , “this is my mom, Mrs. Jess.” And I still like that best for now…

How I Long For That Day… December 9, 2009

In my year of being a parent there have been times I have found myself saying almost verbatim things I heard as a kid. Most recently I found myself fussing at the girls about how I bend over backwards to make sure they have the best life God has for them and all I get in return is smart mouths, disobedience and open hands wanting more money.

I know there were times growing up when my brother and I got the same earful. I remember thinking that my mom didn’t know what she was talking about. Surely, a blind person could see that we loved and appreciated her. Now I see that my actions may have not always communicated these things… sorry Mom. Doug and I appreciate her more now that we are parents than we ever could have imagined as kids. It’s a shame that I couldn’t fully understand the gift  from the Lord that my parents are when I was younger. Most of the wisdom I get as far as parenting goes comes from them and I truly am grateful for every moment  of my childhood.

I digress… after my little speech about how much I do for them and how little they do for me I was praying about what the heck I needed to do to make them appreciate Matt & I and low and behold I got knocked off my high horse real quick. One would think that I wouldn’t get back on that thing as quick as I do… maybe I’ll learn one day. I came to the realization that my thinking was warped a little… ok a lot warped.

As a follower of Jesus I am to love all. Not only am I to love, but I’m called to love unconditionally. That means even my children. Don’t get me wrong, I love them more than I ever thought I could love them, but I’m realizing that selfishly I want them to love me back the same way I love them. Afterall, we did pull them out of a life headed for despair right? Wrong… we were obedient to what God asked of us, we didn’t save the day or do anything that warrants me demanding to be appreciated. God is the one that has taken care of them and will continue to provide for them, we’re just lucky that He wants to use us. Me feeling like they should express to me how much they love me and appreciate me comes from me trying to find worth from people… and from my kids no less! Let’s talk about setting them up for failure. My worth can only come from Jesus Christ. No matter how hard I try to get it from people… until it comes from Jesus alone I will feel unappreciated, like I’m a bad parent, wife, and on and on.

Then of course that thought process led to me realizing how I’ve treated God. I can’t even begin to touch on all He’s done for me… salvation alone is plenty and He could have stopped there, but He didn’t. He doesn’t demand that I appreciate all that He’s done for me. He doesn’t with hold His goodness every time I screw up. He just keeps loving, keeps showing me little pieces of  Himself and He continues to mold me and grow me. And He does all of this knowing full well how I’m going to respond or not respond. Can you imagine being so secure in your worth(as the Lord is) that you could love fully without ever needing love from a person in return… I long for that day.

Oh how I want to love unconditionally. I like to think that I do, but the reality is I don’t. Thank God He’s not finished with me yet.